Fool’s Gold

I find in me a curious intuition. A weird feeling welling up inside me that says that I don’t really know what’s going on deep inside my Self.

A sense that lurking, underneath it all, lies a demonic creature, full of hate and angst. And of course quick study precipitates the terrors of humanity. That perhaps we are all in and of ourselves demons and angels alike.

Yin Yang. Dualities as a whole. Yet, those who know me know that I have on many occasions been vengeful, angry and bitter. For as long as I could remember.

Truly dark emotions that underscore a rather “enthusiastic” personality, it seems.

And despite all my “learning” at the age of 26+ I still come to realize that I truly have a long way to go.

Pragmatically the study of the humanities has never been something truly accepted in Asian society. Billed as a waste of time, our deficient societies are evidence enough of the value of the arts.

Yet is there anything more real to us than struggling with meaning? Is there anything more real than the suffering that emerges in all our lives?

Yet how well are we taught to deal with our own personal demons, the collective demons of society and even the demons of our history? How much do we truly know of ourselves as a whole, when we have barely even looked within ourselves?

An unexamined life is not worth living — Plato probably got it right.

But merely examining ourselves is barely sufficient.

Because as iron sharpens iron, so does one man sharpen another —

The events, patterns and meaning of history illuminates our very own shortcomings. And these illuminations can serve us very well to understand our role, and position in society and life.

They… allow us to realize the demons and angels within us. And teach us to become better than we could ever be by ourselves. For within us is an infinite shadow, cast by the blaze of infinite light. And we oscillate.

I’ve lived my life as genuinely as I could. I’ve chosen to take a path that is quite uncommonly trod. And I’ve always dreamed of making the world a better place.

I have also taken part in destruction the likes of which I never did know lay within me. And I seek to understand myself, and my inconsistencies.

Why do we have days we feel are meaningless? Why are the majority of people in society drones?

How can we build heaven on Earth, and is there actually any true hope for society? And how should we live accordingly, to bring heaven to Earth?

How are we willing to betray that which is closest to our hearts? How do we deal with immeasurable loss? Whose fault is it that our lives are painful comedies?

Must you be evil to succeed in life? Or how much is too much?

These are very important questions for me, because I find it easy to become consumed by hate, anger, and vengeance. I find that I have too many shortcomings, and previous models I’ve learnt to deal with myself are insufficient at best.

There probably is something wrong about my approach to life.

I also seek to refine my thoughts and understanding of the world —I believe we owe the world nothing less than the best versions of ourselves. And that there is this innate drive inside of us that seeks to illuminate the fog of war that constitutes life.

It is these essential questions that I seek to continue getting answers for — I think I have some answers with regards to my own history. But time and time again it’s been shown that I have no answers at hand for the understanding of humanity as a whole.

I am glad to have the chance and inclination to think about these issues. I believe them to be of supreme importance, especially as I seek to make the world a better place by building technologies… what more in a field as potentially disruptive as AI.

Actually, this should be relevant and required thinking for every human being, because it is society with which we live, play, love and suffer in. And what, truly, what is more real or important than that fact?

Nothing is.